The 5 Same Conversations Every Parent is Having With Their Kids…

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My wife and I took our daughter to a kids theme park last weekend. She had a lot of fun, and apparently cannot get enough roller-coasters or thrill rides in her little four year old life, granted they were kiddo sized rides, but those spinning turtles were more intense than I expected…

As we were wandering around the park, I realized something that amused me. Most of the kids were between about 3 and 8 years old, and many times throughout the weekend I could hear the conversations between them and their parents. After hearing two days of these back and forths, I realized every parent is having the same conversations with their kids… all the time.

There are basically five different conversations, and every parent seems to be having one of these all the time. So from my detailed field research (AKA a weekend at Storyland), I present…

The 5 Same Conversations Every Parent is Having With Their Kids…

1) “You have to eat something”

I have heard of these mythical children who eat without prompting. I am sure that somewhere out there this unicorn of a child exists, and my greatest jealousy extends to this child’s parents. However, for the rest of us, there is a constant conversation around eating. There are variations on the topic, I’m sure, but in my house it tends to go something like this…

Me: “It’s lunch time what do you want to eat?”

Child: “I don’ttttt knoowwwww…”

Wife (having totally given up hope of raising this kid on all organic brussel sprouts): “You can have mac and cheese or chicken nuggets”

Child: “A hotdog!”

Me: “That’s not a thing we have today… you can have that tomorrow”

Child: “Fine… Chicken nuggets!”

Wife: “Will you actually EAT them?”

Child: “Yep!”

(Fast forward what feels like 17 hours)

Me: “You have eaten one bite… I need you to eat more.”

Child: “How many more bites?”

Wife: “Eat three nuggets, PLEASE”

Child: “Okkkkk, three bites!”

Me: “Noooooooo… mommy said three nuggets”

Child: “Onnnnnnnnne nugget?”

Me: “Just eat child…”

Child: “I need something to dip them in… and some chocolate milk.”

(Continue on repeat until child finishes several nuggets, or we have to leave for her to start college. Whichever comes first…)

2) “Please Hurry Up!”

Nobody procrastinates like kids do. They are absolutely amazing at drawing a simple task out as long as humanly possible. They will talk about the task, sing about the task, ask for help with the task they have done themselves no less than 273 times this month already. It is truly a wonder to behold.

Parent: “Will you please (insert random task here)?”

Child: “OK, I need to do just one more thing first”

Parent: “Fine, do your last thing”

*Child proceeds picks up some random thing they haven’t played with since the Jurassic Era*

Parent: “Ok, now please go (random task)”

*Child proceeds to move in the slowest method possible in the vague direction of the task*

Parent: “Please hurry, we have to be at (irrelevent event to the child) soon.”

Child (while ceasing all motion): “Are we going to see my cousin today?”

Parent: “What? No, now go do (random task you wish you never brought up in the first place, but now totally have to follow through on, because that highly recommended  parenting book you bought two years ago made a strong point about making sure if you ask your kid to do something that it really needs to get done).”

*Child resumes crab walking backwards at .7 mph on the way to the task.*

3) “Do you need to go to the bathroom?”

As any parent knows, no child will go to the bathroom until the least opportune moment. Usually as far from a rest stop as possible on a long car ride. So what do we have to do as parents? We end up having conversations about the bathroom basically non-stop all day, so that we can plant the idea of the next bathroom break in their little heads.

Parent: “Do you need the bathroom?

Child: “No! I just went!”

Parent: “You went before lunch, it’s 3:45… Do you need to go?

Child: “No, I am fine.”

Parent: “Can you please try?”

Child: “Noooo! I’m fine.”

Parent: “You are absolutely sure?”

Child (disgusted that parent would think for a second that THEY of all people would need the bathroom): “YES! I’M FINE!”

*Parent gives up, and foolishly believes child*

Parent: “OK, it’s a short car ride, when we get there it’s the first thing you need to do”

Child: “okkkkkkkk….”

(6 Minutes later, exactly halfway through the car ride)

Child: “I HAVE TO GO POTTY!”

4) “I need you to try it.”

With rare exception, kids view all new things as evil. Food, activities, tv shows/movies, etc. They want to have or do the thing they have done a million times before. As parents we need them to try new things, for several reasons. The largest being the constant cycle of the same three foods and shows will drive even the most patient of parents completely nuts.

Parent: “I need you to try this new (noun), you’ll like it.”

Child: “I don’t like (noun), I want (usual noun)!”

Parent: “Just try it, you can’t know you don’t like things if you haven’t tried them.”

Child (Dodging this logic like Muhammad Ali dodging jabs): “BUT I DON’T LIKE IT!”

Parent: “Please try it, if you don’t like it, you can have the old (noun).”

Child: “FINE… I will TRY it!”

*Child proceeds to enjoy all of new (noun)*

Parent (Totally looking for an “I told you so” moment): “So, did you like it?”

Child: “I liked it… a littttlllleee.”

5) “Stop it”

Parent: “I need you to stop it.”

Child: “But I want to…”

Parent: “No, just stop it, you can’t (Pick all that apply: Lick the ground, Hang on my arm, kick your sister, ask the same question 28 times in a row, run near the pool, paint the cat, start a campfire in the dining room, sell military secrets to the enemy, do jumping jacks on the stairs, juggle knives, etc.)”

Child: “FINE!”

*Child proceeds to do another activity, that is somehow even less reasonable than the first*

Parent: “Stop doing that too!”

Child: “UGHHHH! WHAT CAN I DO?”

One response to “The 5 Same Conversations Every Parent is Having With Their Kids…

  1. Omg yes…thank you for this…it helps to know I am not alone in these battles hahaha.

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