Everyone knows how tough having an infant or toddler is. The late nights, tantrums, piles of bodily fluids, blah blah blah. However, there are also some hidden perks. There are things you get away with that you never could get away with before children. Most of these are viewed as either rude, awkward, or both. However, put a young kiddo in the mix, and you have your own built in excuse that nobody will question. So parents, don’t be afraid to take advantage of these while they last…
6 Socially Unacceptable Things That Having a Kid Will Let You Get Away With…
6) Being Late to Everything
I actually have to say, for having a toddler my wife and I are pretty on time. That being said, if you have a young child (especially under a year), and you are late to basically any social event you don’t need an excuse. Just look at the people waiting for you, and mumble the word “Baby.” You will generally get sympathy from parents, because they know the struggle you just went through to get here. It probably included several diaper changes or potty trips, one costume change for each of you due to an aforementioned potty break gone wrong, and the pleasure of convincing a child that they aren’t a tiger, they are a child, and that child needs to be in the car seat (or if they are a tiger, they need to be a tiger in a tiger seat). The non-parents will leave you alone due to the fact that you probably look like you just came out of a tornado (more on that under Number 5), they don’t want to hear the tales of poop and circumstance, and you have already ordered the strongest drink in the restaurant at 11 AM.
5) You Don’t Have To Look Nice
I used to like looking decent to go places. I would take time to get ready, and actually try and dress pretty sharp. However, now I’m happy if my polo has less than three visible stains. Parents are far too busy trying to dress their naked and streaking kid to worry about their clothes. What’s even better is that if you do end up actually putting yourself even halfway together people are overly impressed. Everyone’s standards become so low for you, that remembering to clean the toothpaste out of your beard is enough to illicit compliments on your appearance.
I’m pretty sure my wife wore Yoga pants for a year straight. She claimed they were comfy after the surgery, and I buy that for the first few months, but after a while I could tell the concept of pants with buttons or zippers was just way too overwhelming, Frankly, I would have done the same, but finding Yoga pants in my size is a bit tough.
4) You Can Have No Concept of Current Events or Media
It can be hard to keep up with news, entertainment, etc. The good news is that when you have a new baby, ignorance is totally acceptable. The Avengers came out right when my daughter was born, and I’m pretty sure it went on to become the biggest movie of all time. When did I see it? Four months later on a plane to L.A. on a tiny screen with dollar headphones. If I hadn’t been on that flight, it would have been even longer.
New parents have no idea what is going on outside of their home. Their current events are all based on when the last poop was, and was it solid enough to be called a real poop (future parents… you will have this discussion, I promise).
3) Get out of Jail Free Card
Remember the days of having to go to stuff you really didn’t want to go to, but for whatever reason you were obligated. Congrats, while you have a small child you have a get out of jail free card. It works on almost all social events. Party you don’t want to go to? Baby. Wedding just a little too far away? Baby. Last minute thing? Oh, I’m so sorry, I couldn’t get a sitter. We all know that you just can’t get up the energy to go, and are currently midway through some random Netflix binge watch, but we can’t call you on it.
One more note on this, for the first six months of having a baby any event you are invited to is almost done in jest. Nobody reasonable expects you to be at anything. If you do show up, you have absolutely no required time limit of staying. Just tell everyone it was good to see them, but you need to get the baby (or if the baby is with you, just tell them “the baby is getting done”). You will also quickly realize that you don’t know how to communicate with adults anymore, and the only topics you can think of are sleep cycles and baby poop.
2) You Can Eat Like a Child
There is an age where you society starts to look at you funny when you order chicken fingers or mac and cheese at nice restaurants. You are expected to get the weird French sounding dish with a funny tasting sauce on it. Once the kid is old enough to eat out, you get a free pass back to the awesome world of hot dogs and ice cream in a baseball cap. Just claim you are getting the meal to “split with the kid”, and you’re home free. My daughter doesn’t eat a lot some days, doesn’t stop me from chowing down on a kids size grilled cheese sandwich when she only has a little. Hey, can’t let it go to waste can we?
1) You Get to do Kids Activities
Being an adult can be pretty dull sometimes. Having to work, run errands, and do tasks around the house isn’t exactly a constant stream of excitement. That’s why it’s great when your kid starts to get old enough to do all the awesome stuff you can’t do anymore! Kids stuff is amazing… trampolines, ball pits, the dumbo ride, etc. If you are over 12 and making a macaroni picture alone, people will get a little confused. However, if you have a kiddo with you, anything short of actually eating the glue is not only acceptable, it’s encouraged. People will actually compliment you for doing this awesome stuff with your kid, like going down a slide at a playground is some sort of “taking one for the team” situation.
So remember, you only have a limited time for breaking social norms due to your kids. Make sure to take advantage of the benefits. I have to go though, there’s some finger painting that “my kid” wants to do.
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